Tag Archives: magpies

The eyes don’t work; nothing works. And it’s personal

#amwriting 

We know, oh god do we know. We have all been there. The eyes don’t work, and neither do the weird pokey upy things stuck in helmets. Sticks don’t work, dogs don’t help you (mine even goes so far as to pretend not to notice anything is wrong). Nothing works except suicide or staying indoors until summer finally gets its lazy arse out of bed and comes to save us.

After what seems like an endless season filled with dark clouds, depression and the threat of White Walkers, winter has finally buggered off. On paper anyway. It’s time to be happy. It’s time for us to exercise our god-given right to rejoice in the daisies and the intermittent sunshine and the hay fever.

It’s time for picnics and smelling freshly cut lawn, except if you live in Australia. After being taken by surprise, yet again, by the reality of winter, we have spent the last 3 months hoping we don’t die from hyperthermia or cabin fever or lack of social life. And then spring comes and still, we are forced to stay indoors because hell has unleashed its most fearsome demons onto our continent.

God, Buddha, Allah, Gia, they all hate us.

I’d rather fight a White Walker. I’m not exactly sure what that is but I know enough to know they are not Rick Grimes or Buffy so they are the baddies.

But magpies are the worst of all the baddies and they are more dangerous. And scary. And they are real, just like Buffy.

These murderous demonic birds were put on Earth to make every Australian live in fear for what is supposed to be the best season of the year. It’s a season filled with baby goats and cold wine with bubbles in it. I rest my case.

And now studies have shown these little black and white bastards remember faces. They swoop the same people each season. Their murderous, demonic swooping is personal.

We’ve all been there. One minute you are all tra-la-la-la through the flowers filled with bees that commit suicide just so they can sting you and the next minute you are funning faster than your legs can actually run whilst moping bucket loads of blood from the back of your neck. Not even 30 bee stings slow you down.

According to a 2011 study conducted by some very brave or some very stupid Koreans, these territorial-waste-of-space demonic, murderous birds remember faces and they swoop/dive bomb the same people each season. And if these black and white bastards decide your face is a face they don’t like, there is nothing you can do about it except kill yourself or stay indoors for another 3 months.

Fantastic. Spring is here. Let’s hope we survive it.

If you do need to go out and you can’t drive your car; perhaps you don’t have one (get one) or perhaps it’s with your mechanic and you suddenly have an emergency like an empty wine bottle (drink beer), then you are taking your life into your own hands. It’s too late to stock up on wine now, the season is upon us so maybe you will be more prepared next year. Or, you could move. I hear Iceland is nice.

So when you do venture out into the magpie filled skies remember; the eyes don’t work.  And your Mum is not coming to save you. She is too busy being safe indoors drinking chilled wine whilst looking at baby goats.

Be more like your mother.