Tag Archives: humor

What’s more important – love or money?

In all the history of all the world, love has never ended well.

The stories you have heard ending in an “I love you” and “let’s live happily ever after” have either been edited to end just before the piles of money can save the damsel in distress, or the author has been paid piles of money to lie. Probably by Disney. Or Mills and Boon. I hope not both because that would be kind of weird since these corporations are diametrically opposed in terms of the ages of their target markets.

Love is hurtful, embarrassing and was undoubtedly created by tissue manufacturing companies so they could sell more product.

Invariably, love is agony and anguish and if you do survive the evil grasps of this inessential concept, it ends in inevitable self-loathing and death. Probably by a gun shot.

Look at the classics. Cleopatra and Mark Antony. Romeo and Juliet. Oedipus and his Mummy. Narcissi and his reflection. Buffy and Angel. Nothing like a poisonous snake or poison in general or an incestuous love, self-love, or sword in the face to really show how utterly fantastic love it.

Love is the root of all evil. If you think that money is the root of all evil, obviously your Latin isn’t up to scratch. If you spent as much time in your life pursuing money as you did love, you could have paid to learn Latin properly. The correct translation is ‘the LOVE of money is the root of all evil.’ And there we have it. The love of something is the root of all evil. What a surprise. It’s the insertion of the notion of love that is the evil component of this famous phrase. Ergo (how do you like my Latin?) love is the root of all evil. Obviously.

(Incidentally, Mark Twain did the impossible and he actually perfected the phrase. He said, ‘the LACK of money is the root of all evil.’)

Money isn’t evil. It makes the world go around. It makes people put on beautifully weird flares and sing money money money. They have to say it three times because they are so happy to be so rich.

Money, on the other hand, is the greatest, most powerful force in the world. Look at where it got Trump. Money confers a freedom of movement on a person. Without money the world as we know it would grind to a halt. Money, if you treat it right, won’t leave you, won’t cheat on you, make you sad and won’t tell you you’re fat.

Money can get you happiness, the partner of your dreams, the newly released boxed edition of every episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Money can even get you your own island.

Money makes you beautiful and thin. It makes you healthy, if that sort of thing is imprtant to you. But if you prefer it can also get you a sleep-in every single morning because you won’t ever have to get up if you don’t feel like it.

Love makes you too fat or too thin and never the right amount of happy. It ages you. Love messes with your hormones and before you know it you have five kids that will never amount to anything and you haven’t seen your waist line in fifty years and now the cat is looking at you in a really judgmental way – all because a cute boy once told you he loved you.

Finally, and most importantly, money can buy you a gun. Because when you are tempted by love, the root of all evil, it will ruin you.  Have you ever read a Greek Tragedy? Ever seen an episode of Jersey Shore? Ruined, every single one of them. And that’s when you really need a gun, which are expensive so you need money to get one. Ergo (there;s that awesome Latin again), when you move from the ‘I would have taken a bullet for you’ stage, and into the ‘now I want to pull the trigger,’ stage you are good to go.

Money gives you life. A good life. Any life you can imagine.

Love makes you want to take it and choke it and kill it until there is nothing left.

But of course, the choice is yours.

what you need to consider before dumpster diving

If given the opportunity and the anonymity, would you dumpster dive?

It’s for a good cause, we’ve all heard the horror stories about how much food is wasted every year,  we’ve all heard that ‘best before’ dates are pretty flexible too and we all grew up being told to eat our revolting cooked carrots because there are kids starving in Africa. Although I doubt even they would want to eat my Mums attempt at cooked carrots. Yuck.

Like just about everything, it’s a good concept in theory. Like cooking carrots. Like religion. In Australia dumpster divers are called freegans. And they are still in existence which I found surprising. From the moment this movement hit the world, I thought it was going to be a fad like ecosexuality and going to church every Sunday.

It’s surprising how I often I am proven wrong.

If you decided to take up dumpster diving, not only would you be getting free food, you would be rescuing the planet. Less landfill, less consumerism. But nothing is free, even free food taken from the garbage is not free. You pay with your dignity.

In the city it would be different. You could wear a tasteful balaclava; you could buy it with the money you save from not having to buy food, and off you go. Fill those hemp bags with all you can eat. It’s an open buffet.

In the country it’s too hard to remain anonymous when you are in the supermarket isles, let alone when you are engaged in the conspicuous act of rummaging through the rubbish bins, looking for a wedge of Brie to offer your guests later that evening.  And in the country often your reputation is all you have.

There would be no balaclava tasteful enough to combat what your new reputation would be if you were caught. No amount of free Brie cheese would make up for the fact your guests have just found out you are serving food from the local Coles skip bin.

I am all for other people saving the planet. It needs to be done and the freegans are a big part of this. Personally, I don’t have the energy or legs long enough to clamber into a rubbish bin so I like to leave the whole ‘save the planet’ thing to people like Leonardo DiCaprio and my hippy friends who think soap and shampoo is a government conspiracy.

So until I move back to the city or grow longer legs, I am happy in my life of complacent consumerism. Although I detest giant corporations like Coles and Woolworths, there are some battles that are not worth fighting. And for me, that battle is freeganism.

Have you ever been dumpster diving? Do you know anyone who has? Would love to hear about it!

4 ways to survive office politics

Unless you are a rock star, movie star or Michael Jordan in the 90s, no-one loves their job all the time. It’s fair to say that having a job invariably sucks. And when you have to work with other people having a job sucks even more because people invariably suck.

When you get more than one person in a room you have politics. And when these 2+ people are in an office you have office politics and this type of politics is the worst.

Let’s assume, that if you are having issues with office politics it’s because you work in an office and are therefore an adult. You need to deal with this nasty part of the grown-up world quickly and effectively. Or, you need to quit your job and move to a cave, Zarathustra style. I’m all for joining Nietzsche’s Zarathustra in his cave of self-reflection but caves tend to be lacking in the coffee machine department so it’s perhaps not the ideal answer.

Hence, by using my philosophical wit, and driven by a need to have permanent access to coffee, I have discovered the best ways to deal with office politics.

1/ Don’t get involved in the first place.

Like everything from putting on a bra to cooking dinner that is not cheese on jatz, this is easier said than done. More often than not, these types of politics drag people in before they have finished the left over cheese on jatz from last night’s dinner. Stay away from gossip and rumours and the gossip and rumours will be less likely to be focused on you. If they do, grab an extra peace of cheese and run.

2/ Constructive confrontation

Or as I like to call it, smacking that annoying bitch/bastard in the mouth. (I think it may be time to watch less Orange is the New Black.)

3/ Skilled communication.

Don’t fall for the old ‘active listening’ rubbish that adults in offices are always peddling. And don’t use the saying ‘speak only if it improves the silence.’ Instead, use big words to confuse your dopey opponent and then storm away before they can ask you questions you can’t answer.

4/ Read Robert Fulgham’s All I really need to know, I learnt in kindergarten.’

This is the very best way to handle office politics, because really, office politics is the kindergarten playground all over again except instead of monkey bars there are computers and some of the players are now wearing Prada. All the lessons you need to survive office politics and life in general are in this book. Share everything, play fair, don’t hit people, put things back where you found them, clean up your own mess, say you’re sorry when you hurt somebody, etc. Maybe buy extra copies and hand them out to people in your office.

Being able to cope, survive and manage office gossip is important because you spend more time at your job than you do in your bed. I know, the world’s gone mad. Office politics is childish but it is, unfortunately, a big part of the adult world. Even rock stars and movie stars deal with office politics, except their political warfare is played out in the tabloids, which are the bullies of their playgrounds. It can make you feel like a movie star when the entire office is gossiping about you, but office politics is erroneous. It’s not the correct way to behave and it’s not something to get involved with. Just remember, all you really need to know about dealing with office politics you learnt in kindergarten