I have seen all the documentaries about the ocean; Jaws, Deep Blue Sea, Sharknado. I have read all the textbooks about the ocean; Megalodon: Deep Sea Terror, parts 1 through to 9.
I really enjoyed the fear they instilled in me and I leant a lot about the ocean’s true nature. Bathing or showering is totally overrated. Living in fear is much more important.
The ocean is the devil’s playground. It is hell on Earth. Poets made a mistake when they wrote about hell being all fire and brimstone. It’s salty water and sharks that exist only to eat people.
What I don’t understand is why the ocean has to be hell on Earth. Land roaming animals have a nice planet. It is solid, not salty and there are not weird creatures that can swim from nowhere and eat you. It’s nice on land and the further away this land is from the ocean, the nicer it is.
Once humans start getting close to the ocean, the land becomes discombobulated and sandy and this sand gets everywhere. It makes me dizzy and itchy and really scared. These feelings are a warning that the ocean and its horrid ways are close. WARNING: wrong way, go back. WARNING: there is no exit here. Do a U-turn as quickly as possible. WARNING: no dogs allowed
That last one says it all because the shores of the ocean doesn’t even accept dogs and a place that does not accept dogs is not a nice to be. Plus, its home to evil, unnecessary creatures like giant octopuses and blow fish and sting rays that kill awesome people like Steve Irwin.
And worst of all there are sharks. People eating sharks. That’s all sharks do – eat people. They have no other reason to exist.
I lived near the ocean for a while. I wanted to try it out and so if I could beat it at it’s own game. This meant I would dip my little finger in and see if I got eaten. The chances were going to be pretty high.
Plus I needed a change and I had never lived with a surfer culture before, so why not? I also wanted my friends to come and visit me and they didn’t like visiting me in Canberra. I assumed my friends had not read all the textbooks and seen all the documentaries so they may have been fooled as to the oceans true nature. If this was the case I figured they would have come to visit me in this lovely, albeit dangerous, location.
They did come visit and no-one got eaten. But that’s only because I wouldn’t let them swim.
I treated the ocean like the lions in the open plains zoo that you hear about occasionally on the news; all pretty until you wind down the window and one eats you in front of your family.
But, mark my words, once I get rich (still on my list of things to do), I will seek vengeance for all the times I was afraid to have a bath alone because of your sharks and especially your famous sharks that share their stories in all the documentaries. Yes, my deep blue foe, vengeance will be mine.
Despite all the carry on, I did swim in the ocean once. I think I was drunk. And by swim I mean I went in as far as my ankles.
A blue bottle tried to eat me.
I decided it was time to move.