Category Archives: Romance & Dating

What’s more important – love or money?

In all the history of all the world, love has never ended well.

The stories you have heard ending in an “I love you” and “let’s live happily ever after” have either been edited to end just before the piles of money can save the damsel in distress, or the author has been paid piles of money to lie. Probably by Disney. Or Mills and Boon. I hope not both because that would be kind of weird since these corporations are diametrically opposed in terms of the ages of their target markets.

Love is hurtful, embarrassing and was undoubtedly created by tissue manufacturing companies so they could sell more product.

Invariably, love is agony and anguish and if you do survive the evil grasps of this inessential concept, it ends in inevitable self-loathing and death. Probably by a gun shot.

Look at the classics. Cleopatra and Mark Antony. Romeo and Juliet. Oedipus and his Mummy. Narcissi and his reflection. Buffy and Angel. Nothing like a poisonous snake or poison in general or an incestuous love, self-love, or sword in the face to really show how utterly fantastic love it.

Love is the root of all evil. If you think that money is the root of all evil, obviously your Latin isn’t up to scratch. If you spent as much time in your life pursuing money as you did love, you could have paid to learn Latin properly. The correct translation is ‘the LOVE of money is the root of all evil.’ And there we have it. The love of something is the root of all evil. What a surprise. It’s the insertion of the notion of love that is the evil component of this famous phrase. Ergo (how do you like my Latin?) love is the root of all evil. Obviously.

(Incidentally, Mark Twain did the impossible and he actually perfected the phrase. He said, ‘the LACK of money is the root of all evil.’)

Money isn’t evil. It makes the world go around. It makes people put on beautifully weird flares and sing money money money. They have to say it three times because they are so happy to be so rich.

Money, on the other hand, is the greatest, most powerful force in the world. Look at where it got Trump. Money confers a freedom of movement on a person. Without money the world as we know it would grind to a halt. Money, if you treat it right, won’t leave you, won’t cheat on you, make you sad and won’t tell you you’re fat.

Money can get you happiness, the partner of your dreams, the newly released boxed edition of every episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Money can even get you your own island.

Money makes you beautiful and thin. It makes you healthy, if that sort of thing is imprtant to you. But if you prefer it can also get you a sleep-in every single morning because you won’t ever have to get up if you don’t feel like it.

Love makes you too fat or too thin and never the right amount of happy. It ages you. Love messes with your hormones and before you know it you have five kids that will never amount to anything and you haven’t seen your waist line in fifty years and now the cat is looking at you in a really judgmental way – all because a cute boy once told you he loved you.

Finally, and most importantly, money can buy you a gun. Because when you are tempted by love, the root of all evil, it will ruin you.  Have you ever read a Greek Tragedy? Ever seen an episode of Jersey Shore? Ruined, every single one of them. And that’s when you really need a gun, which are expensive so you need money to get one. Ergo (there;s that awesome Latin again), when you move from the ‘I would have taken a bullet for you’ stage, and into the ‘now I want to pull the trigger,’ stage you are good to go.

Money gives you life. A good life. Any life you can imagine.

Love makes you want to take it and choke it and kill it until there is nothing left.

But of course, the choice is yours.

Using a dog to find puppy love [column]

 

Image courtesy of Rasto Belan
Compared to the unending woes that often accompany being a woman, most men have it easy. They are the lucky creatures. When men have a head cold, they get to call it the flu and get more attention. Their clothes are cheaper even though they have extra rows of stitching. They don’t have to wear g-strings.

 

Men are also luckier when it comes to dating. Australia is in the midst of a man drought and there are currently 100 000 more woman than men. All you men need to do to enter the world of dating is give a quick flex of the muscles and compliment a woman on her shoes.

 

Despite the many advantages men have over their female counterparts in the world of dating, sometimes we all need a little help. Just because there are a lot more women does not mean that they can be easy to find, lure and bait.

 

So here is a hot tip if you find yourself in need of a little help. All you need is a good pair of walking shoes (Note, crocs do not count. There is never ever a time in your life when crocs are acceptable), a non-scary looking dog and your best smile. Chicks love small animals that are cute and adorable, especially puppies. In fact, mostly puppies and these adorable little four legged creatures can be a wonderful way to strike up conversations with women.

 

It all boils down to the fact that women were once designed to have children and only have children. Now they have a whole list of other things we can choose to do with our life instead, we no longer feel the need to live our lives bearing children. Yet, it is still in our DNA to be clucky and in this day and age it is more socially acceptable and indeed more fun, to be clucky towards puppies than it is babies. Plus puppies are just way cuter – Why do all babies look like potatoes may I ask?

 

If you can borrow a puppy, then put on your manliest deodorant and start pounding the pavement.  Be gracious as hordes of woman stop to pat your puppy (or the puppy of someone else. But who cares who owns it, I’m pretty sure the devil is not in the details) and take the opportunity to strike up a conversation. Please try not to be distracted by the show of boobies belonging to the bended women but I get that men are men and sometimes you can’t help it. Just try not to get caught looking, for the love of god. 

 

The art of conversation is something that you don’t need to have mastered. Remember you have a cute and adorable puppy. If you get stuck for things to talk to the woman about, remember, you have a puppy. Make the little blighter work for his free afternoon outing. Cute does not equal free stuff in the canine world and the puppy needs to learn this sooner in life rather than later so really you are doing it a favour.

 

So where to walk your borrowed ball of woman attractor? Beaches, lakes and parks are going to be your best bet. The women found in these areas love the outdoors and that is usually linked to a love of animals. Also strips of cafes and restaurants are a good choice. There is bound to be a plethora of woman here so take advantage of it.

 

On the other hand, pacing outside gyms makes you look a little odd and most pubs are not dog friendly and not really the first choice for self-respecting women to congregate. Keep it simple and go where the women go.

 

The other thing to keep in mind if you cannot obtain a puppy is that the type of animal you choose to harness up for a walk is something to consider carefully. Whilst ferrets look like harmless fur balls of fun, rub them the wrong way and you’ll discover that they have the soul of a rabid Pitbull.

 

Crocodiles are another no no. I’m not sure if it’s even legal to take one for a walk but if you did, you would most likely attract the curiosity of small children and the local police more than you would any potential dating partner.

 

Trust me, cats do not do well on walks either. The stubborn little loveless blighters tend to collapse and fake their own death rather than be taken for a walk and unless you are trying to look like a fool, do not walk a cat in public.

 

So really it only leaves us with puppies. The babies of our best friends are your best bet to find some real puppy love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

How to pick a mate with your nose [column]

Image courtesy of John Holden

Let’s be honest with ourselves. Romance is rubbish and love is nothing but a letdown. We are born alone and we die alone. Most of our lives are spent with our inner most thoughts insulated from the people around us, although I’m not too sure if ghosts can hear our thoughts.

Cinderella never got to the ball and there was no fairy god mother and there was definitely no glass slipper. Seriously, a glass slipper? What is with that? Obviously designed by a man who never had to wear high heels and therefore does not know the excruciating pain that can come from a shoe made of soft and delicate and expensive satin, let alone glass. A sick fantasy by a sick man I recon.

 

There is no glass slipper, no ball, there is no romance. Just like I tried to tell you.

 

Yet we all yearn for a mate, possibly driven by some unspoken need to live in misery. Why wash clothes for one when you can do it for two? Why spend Friday nights in your pajamas getting deliciously fat eating ice-cream and watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer re-runs when you could be watching your mate throw up after one too many stubbies[BB1] ?

 

But if you insist romance is still alive and kicking and you really do yearn for a mate and I can never convince you that life is better lived alone, let’s talk about a new and exciting…wait…an ancient and smelly way to choose a mate. There is no romance in what I am about to tell you because I simply have to prove that romance is indeed rubbish. That’s how this writer feels this week anyway.

 

So, ancient and smelly. It has become a relatively well known fact that humans are more like animals than we care to admit. Furthermore, it has become widely accepted that we subconsciously choose our mates through our sense of smell. In a non-boring, non-detailed and non-scientific nutshell, if you like the way someone smells, they are a good mate for you. Apparently they smell good because their immune system and genetic coding compliments your own and that’s good for breeding and a good breeding mate means they smell good. Suffer from allergies that render you next to useless every spring time? It is guaranteed that all the potential mates who smell intoxicatingly good to you will not suffer from spring time allergies.

 

All the glass slippers and balls in the world cannot influence our choice in mate if we don’t like how they smell. It works both ways, men have to like the way a woman smells before they feel the need to choose them as their mate.

 

So, can expensive perfumes help us in our quest to attract mates? Can they make us smell better to potential mates?

 

Marilyn Monroe was the sexiest woman of her time. She was famously quoted as saying she wore nothing but Channel #5 to bed and this sex siren bagged a president. So it looks like expensive perfume can make us more alluring to even the most unapproachable men of society. As long as you are not too fussy about landing in a body bag in your late 30s after dying in suspicious circumstances. After all, we are talking about how to attract a mate, not keep one and stay alive.

 

For those of us who are up to date on the trending fashions of the modern dating world, we unequivocally know that speed dating is so 1998. Today, it’s all about smell dating. Yes, it’s a thing.

 

Men of all walks of life wear identical white t-shirts for 24 hours, the t-shirts then go into a zip lock bag and woman sniff the shirts until they find a smell they like. Simple, easy and Neanderthal. No time wasted on candles, Barry Manilow and lubrication. Straight to the smelly point.

 

For the small percentage of people who are born with Ansomia (meaning they can’t smell most things), it looks like you have no hope to find a mate that is your genetic opposite and therefore perfect for breeding. Your love life is over, possibly before it began. Maybe you could look into a life dedicated to religion. Any religion will do. Dedicate your life to P.G. porn and a god of your choosing and try to be happy with only God or Buddha or whomever as your spiritual mate.

 

For the rest of you who really want to wear the glass slipper and go to the ball, get sniffing. Just make sure that unless you are officially signed up for a smell dating evening try to sniff men in a way that does make you look crazy. Keep your nose clean and your mind open.   

 


How to be a good girlfriend [column]

 

I have had many, many relationships and even a successful one (so far), which makes me a self-proclaimed relationship expert. Whilst living in the throes of marital bliss without the marriage I wanted to share with you my sure fire tips on how to be a good girlfriend.

 

1. Insist that your boyfriend watch videos of cats doing funny things when the football is on. This works best if you have a plethora of videos and it’s State of Origin. Do not wait for ad breaks. He may pretend to be very annoyed but we all know he would secretly rather be watching cats eating ice-cream than watching Johnathan Thurstan kick another conversion. He has seen that move a hundred times, it’s boring now.

 

2. Bringing your baggage with you into the relationship is perfectly normal. The best kind of baggage, besides a troubled teenager, or rants about an ex you just can’t get over, is an old dog that gets his way 100% of the time. This works really well to improve your relationship if your partner is not an animal lover because you are introducing them to new ways they can live their life – you are teaching them new tricks, the dog doesn’t need to learn them, he’s old. I also advice that it is really healthy for the relationship if the dog sleeps in the bed, between you. That way you know your dog is feeling loved and there is no risk of any funny business taking place.

 

2. Renovate a house together. This is even better if you have a baby and your tastes in style is the exact opposite to your boyfriend’s taste. Every healthy relationship should have the pressure of a major renovation put on top of it. Building a sturdy frame for a house is a metaphor for your relationship. This will also leave little time for romance and quality time. These things are not needed in a healthy relationship.

 

4. Make only vegetarian meals for dinner. Men love the joy of not eating meat, it makes them get in touch with their feminine side. They only pretend to like to eat it because they think it makes them happy. Thank goodness they have us to help them.

 

5. Empty out the beer fridge on a regular basis. What you replace the beer with is up to you, but you must do it regularly. There is nothing more a man loves than coming home from a long, hot day and seeing you have taken the time to replace his cold beer with homemade cupcakes. This will also ensure the beer tastes better because it has gone from cold to hot and will eventually get cold again. Yummy.

 

6. If you cannot think of a helpful way to replace the beer in the beer fridge you could use lite beer. Not only are you helping your boyfriend with his health you are making sure he is unable to enjoy the process of drinking. Then you could show him the rest of your cat videos.

 

7. Forget to wash his work clothes. Men really enjoy getting up at 5am to start their day as the primary money person in the relationship to find they have no work clothes. It makes them feel important when they are able to remind us to do what we normally do so well.

 

8. Invite your mother, best friend, dog or grandfather along to all events that require one-on-one time with your boyfriend. Everyone knows that men love the company of your friends and family and the more intrusive and opinionated they can be, the more enjoyment you will all get out of the evening.

 

9. Spend time with your boyfriend trying on clothes for him. This could be in the way of a shopping spree in which you try on 40 different dresses in various shades of pink and ask that he help you choose one. This can also be a lesson on the difference between fuchsia and baby pink. Men love to know these sorts of things.

 

Alternatively it could be in the way of trying on at least 42 different outfits 5 minutes before you are due to go somewhere and asking him which outfit makes you look fat. His answer will depend on a) what lessons you need to teach him in the language of woman speak or b) if he will ever get laid again.

 

10. Men do not really like sex as much as they pretend to. They would much prefer to lie in bed and listen to you read chapters from the latest book you are reading, especially if it is a book on feminism or on cats. Do not let them watch porn as a substitute. Porn corrupts the mind and men must learn that sex is not to be performed until you have finished reading to him. And if it so happens you do not finish until 3am and he is fast asleep, you are teaching him about patience.

 

I really hope these tips can help you reach your potential to be the best girlfriend you are able to be. If you have any questions, I am always happy to help my fellow sisters with some sage advice.