Category Archives: Coffee

Bow ties are for everyone but poetry isn’t.

I’ve been worried about myself.

At first I thought I had an issue with Lesbians wearing bow ties. But I worked through it and I’m cured now.

Bow ties are for everyone, not just weird science teachers and clowns.

Then it was mentioned that I may have an issue with tea drinkers. I am not willing to work on this issue, I simply have too much on my plate; wash clothes, eat chocolate, complain I’m too fat, wash clothes, You know, the usual.

But tea is for everyone. If you are weird and like to do things really slowly and relaxed – the opposite to being jacked up on caffeine. Weirdos. Maybe you should get some bow ties.

Finally, I think I may have an issue with poetry. It hurts my brain. Poetry hurts my brain more than my brain hurts when I try to read Salman Rushdie’s Satanic Versus and that is like trying to read cement.

But the poetry issue is one that I have been working on because poetry is considered cool and people who read it are considered to be smart. I want to be cool and considered smart.

I don’t think I am getting very far with my poetry issue though, especially if it doesn’t rhyme.

So I have started reading Emily Bronte to Tiny Monster because I firmly believe that 5 months is old enough to start learning about death and poetry. 6 months is when she will learn that poetry is death. Just kidding.

We have also been reading Wordsworth and Shakespeare . And the poor thing cries every time. She never cries through Dracula or All quiet on the Western Front so it’s not death that makes her sad and frustrated.

It’s poetry.

And just when I think I will never be able to come to terms with my issue regarding poetry, I read a poem that changed my world.

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Coffee and dogs

stock-illustration-52924982-dog-with-coffeel-cartoon-illustrationCoffee is an industry that welcomes everyone. It doesn’t care if you’re short or tall, rich or poor but not so poor that you can’t buy a cup of coffee, then you’re no help to anyone. It doesn’t care if you’re clever or silly, gay or straight, everyone can get a cup of coffee in this socially accepting industry. Except tea drinkers. They are the enemy, the kryptonite to our Superman, kind of like vegans, we coffee drinkers do not accept tea drinkers. Now the industry welcomes a whole new species, man’s best friend, the dog.

65% of Australians own pets and 35% own dogs. Until now law abiding dog owners left Fido at home whilst they walked to the local cafe for a coffee. The really decent pet owners even stopped drinking coffee on their walk so Fido wouldn’t break any laws and spend the rest of the week looking over his shoulder for the dog catcher. The rest of us just took the dog anyway and hoped the staff didn’t notice him. Or if they did notice him, we hoped that Fido’s all round cuteness would soften the hearts of any cranky proprietor. Those days are over now because as long as Fido is sitting and on a leash and the business owner agrees to having dogs outside, by law he is allowed to join you for your cup of coffee.

The positive to this law change is that dog owners will be more inclined to go for a walk and take Fido with them. More exercise is a good thing both for people and dogs. And getting to drink a coffee in the middle of the exercise routine must be pretty cool too. If I ever exercised, this would be very exciting. It could also attract a new kind of clientele to coffee. People with kids who want dogs but can’t have one can go to the coffee shop on a Saturday morning and have a pat with Fido.

This will save parents having to fork over money for a dog and maybe even keep the kids busy whilst they drink their latte. Another type of people this law change might attract is people who have some weird and expensive breed of dog that they want the world to see. They can take expensive puppy for a coffee and show him off. You’ll know these people if you see them because the dog will be fluffy, wearing a coat, have a crazy name linked to some kind of food and the owner will order a coffee and insist it be served with a smile. (That’s just too much). Most people are happy about this law change, or at the very least, are nonchalant about it. But for every group of ‘pro’ there must be, by the laws of attraction, a ‘con’ group. Kind of like opposing sports teams and politics. For this ‘against’ group of people there are two issues against this new law. Hygiene and fear.

1) The Hygiene issue. Let’s set the record straight. There are very few germs that can be transferred between them and us. They have their bugs and we have ours. If you are concerned about the hair of the dog, don’t drink the night before.

2) The fear issue. If you are afraid of dogs either go to a place that does not allow them, or even better, seek professional help as Fido may be around a lot more. Most dog owners are responsible and most dogs are well trained and sociable. A tip though, if the dog looks like a gate keeper to hell and is wearing a muzzle, drink your coffee and get the heck out of there. Or sit inside or even get a take away. Don’t run as you leave though because I think gate keeper to hell dogs are trained to eat people who run. All in all nothing much is going to change. People were bringing their dogs to alfresco dining areas long before it was legal. As hot as this debate has been I doubt the coffee experience will alter for many people. This new law is a positive as it gives the element of choice back to the people, not to some cat owning politician in parliament house. I think all the ‘against’ group should stop being hound dogs and welcome this new law with wagging tails.

How coffee can change the world

Coffee is the second largest legally traded commodity on the face of the planet. After oil. I think the world would be a better place if there was more coffee than oil being traded.

 

We all know the problems oil has caused to probably every human being alive today. (And a lot who are dead too). The world would be a lot better if coffee was to surpass oil as the biggest traded commodity and I want the world to be a better place.
If we lived in a world were coffee was bigger than oil, there would be a lot more people strung out on the effects of caffeine. This is a good thing, think about it. Productivity would be through the roof and family time would be more common as people sleep less and do everything faster and better.  Robots would not have to be invented because people will be awake for twenty hours a day and get a lot more accomplished.   
Coffee grinds are great for growing roses so the world could look better and smell a lot better too. Women might get more bunches of roses from men so there would be more romance and a lot less men in trouble for not caring enough. Rose gardens could replace oil rigs so there would be less ugly constructions in the world and people in movies that work on oil rigs in the middle of the ocean that seem to always be on fire, would not die in these fires.
Oil leaks would be a thing of the past. The Gulf of Mexico would be pretty again, wild life would not die and Obama would never be in trouble for not fixing the leak. He could spend his time stopping to smell all the roses that his country is growing from rose gardens, which they would grow from invading other countries for their coffee grinds. 
The Middle East would get a break from being invaded.  Their climate is no good for growing coffee beans and the coffee they make is rubbish anyway so no one would be tempted to invade them.  Although looking at their history the poor bastards just keep getting invaded anyway so let’s be realistic here. 
Coffee tastes better than oil.  It smells better and looks fancier when served in fine bone china cups with little flowers on them.  Although it is possible to buy coffee that tastes like crude oil which makes me wonder if people do serve oil in cups and call it coffee.  If you don’t believe me, go to Japan for a coffee. It’s definitely crude oil. The liquid even dissolves the spoon you use to stir the coffee/oil. 
The world would be in a better socio-economic place if oil was in less demand and coffee was in more demand.  Farmers in Central America who currently get 2 cents from every cup of coffee sold might get 4 cents.  Actually, they would probably get even less as big corporations would move in and form unions that didn’t work and then the land would be bought out and make the farmers work for 0.5 cents per cup of coffee.  But this is about the bright side of coffee vs oil, not the dark side.  
Even those weird people who drink decaf would have to start drinking real coffee as the world would be spinning too fast for them and they couldn’t keep up.  hey would probably lose their jobs, spend far too much time sleeping and relaxing and then they would be persecuted, like the witches of Salem. Burnt at the stake for ruining the world, whether it’s their fault or not.  Decaf coffee might even have to go underground like illegal drugs and sold in the back alleys of Kings Cross. They could drink it out of bongs and start a black market movement called ‘sloths unite’ or something to that effect. 
So, I think we can all see the benefits of living in a world where coffee is grown, traded and sold more than oil. Robots would remain in Science Fiction novels and never take over the world because of their increasing self-awareness.  The back alleys of The Cross would be busy again and another series of Underbelly could be made. Everything would smell better, look better, go a lot faster and no one would invade the Middle East.   Women would be given more flowers, okay, that will probably never happen but it’s a lovely thought.  A world with more coffee and less oil sounds like Utopia to me. 

Never offer a homemade coffee to a coffee snob. Never ever.

 Life as an infamous coffee snob is hard. Not because you are constantly trying to track down someone that can make coffee as good as you can, but because of the terrible attitude you get from the non-coffee snobs around you.

Apparently going for coffee with a coffee snob is such a trying and stressful experience that I have few friends who will still come with me. Ok, I literally have no friends who will join me. They say if I promise to not order a coffee and therefore will not spend the next hour complaining about the sub-human that attempted to put perfection in a cup but failed to do so, they will come with me. What am I supposed to do? Order a cup of green tea and not want to kill myself? Get real.

The struggle of getting a great cup of coffee is real but it is amplified when I go to other people’s houses. I am always terrified of the dreaded question – “Would you like a coffee?”

There are two ways this question is posed.

1/ “Would you like a cup of coffee – it won’t be up to your standards though.”

 

So why the hell would you offer me one? I haven’t drunk instant coffee since 1996 when I was at boarding school. Why would I start now? I like my life, I am happy, are you intentionally trying to take this happiness away from me? It looks like you are, and yet, I am the rude one.

Offering any decent human being an instant coffee is exactly like this: You have a super stylish gay best friend who is very fastidious in their attire and they only wear Gucci. He always looks sharp in his designer threads and these designer threads are his reason for living. You respect that. But then one day he comes around to your place and you say “I have a pair of 1980 stone washed jeans, complete with elastic waist band. I know it’s not up to your standards but you should wear them to make me feel better about my own lack of style.” It’s just plain rude. You wouldn’t do it in a rainbow fit so don’t offer a coffee snob some of your revolting coffee that comes out of a can.

2/ “Would you like a coffee? I have a pod machine and it’s really good, you have to try it.”

No. No I don’t. I won’t like it, it’s going to be undrinkable and then it’s going to get awkward for everyone. Don’t try to push your inferior product on me because I will karate chop you into next Tuesday. I know what I like and it is coffee that is ground fresh to order (beans go stale within 30 seconds of being ground, FYI) and comes out of a commercial coffee machine. I have a commercial coffee machine in my house, so don’t try to give me your pod crap. I may as well kill myself. It would be the same thing only less painful and over a lot quicker.

We are not in the midst of a zombie apocalypse so there is no excuse for this behavior. Water is fine to offer and us coffee snobs generally WANT the water when you offer your “coffee”. So when we say, ‘no thanks, water would be great.’ Believe me, the last residue of human decency just went into not killing you, so don’t push the matter. Throw your coffee out the window before I do and fetch the glass of water.