How to kill a spider without wanting to die

Image courtesy of Thorarinn Stefansson

Most people, if not all, who inhabit our planet have come across them and not liked the experience. In any way. At any time. Whether it be in real life, late at night on the kitchen floor, or in the deep recesses of your sleeping mind – the place reserved for the scariest of scary nightmares – all Aussies have seen them and immediately wished they could wash their eyeballs to rid themselves of the horror they just witnessed. Or, wash their bodies in acid because that would be more soothing than seeing something that has eight legs scurrying in a most evil way across your view point.

And nothing is more terrifying than those eight legged bastards we call spiders. Not serial killers, not clowns, not even – and I don’t make this comment in a nonchalant way – not even sharks. Every normal human being hates them and refuses to hear the apparent use they have within the ecosystem. Stuff the ecosystem. I can tell you their use, it’s to jump out at you when you least expect it, or when you do expect it, it’s mind numbingly petrifying either way, and then they try to eat you whole. That is their one and only reason for existence. It’s a conspiracy that people think spiders are helpful because they eat flies. I have never seen a spider eat one, have you? (If you have you are more of a victim of this cleverly plotted conspiracy than I originally thought and there is no help for you.)

All spiders need to be killed and be killed dead but killing them is not an easy feat. It can be such an ordeal that you may think it is better to die yourself than spend another moment trying to kill something that is way too agile for its own good. 

Killing a spider whilst the only male in the house is peacefully slumbering in the bed, all wrapped up and cozy in the Egyptian cotton sheets and happy and oblivious to the terror that is happening in the very next room, is an amazing feet when taken upon without said man doing the killing. Yes, the idea of tackling a spider is a sexist undertaking as it is one of the few tasks, perhaps the only task that a man should do, not a woman. I wish to protect my fellow sisters in this form of horrific warfare. We should be sheltered from these hell dwelling antagonists. Let the men folk handle them whilst we get on with more important tasks like organising world peace, or much harder, getting the baby to sleep for more than 45 minutes.  At least the male orientated role of spider killing lends credence to their argument for their species still being relevant. With woman mowing lawns and wearing steel cap boots with style, men are of course worried they no longer have a need in modern society. Spiders prove that men are still needed. As long as spiders still exist, so too shall men.

Come to think of it, this is a problem. We need men to kill spiders. Therefore men exist because spiders do. Therefore, men may be less inclined to kill spiders because if they succeed they are no longer required to be a part of this human experience. Best not to let them know they are needed. Best to pretend we would like to use the spider killing opportunity as a chance to see their muscles. Men like that sort of stuff.

 Being in the same room as the creepy crawly bastards is feat number one. If you can remain in the same room, you may just have a chance of killing it and saving yourself, or at least reversing some of the fear back onto the useless creature. Let them feel what it feels like to have your life flash before your eyes and all you see is cup of coffee, cup of coffee, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, more coffee and your dog. Remaining in the same room is very hard and takes more self-control than is fair to ask of someone. It is, however, a lot easier if the spider is anywhere near the only exit of the room.

If you took your eyes off the spider, then a safe and effective killing should consist of throwing shoes in the general direction the spider was last seen heading. It doesn’t matter what type of shoe or who owns it, or how many you have to throw, it’s a free for all in these circumstances. I usually find screaming hysterically really helps calm the nerves, ironically enough.  It also helps with the accuracy of the aim. Please note, booties and shoes made of feathers are not ideal weapons. (If you own shoes made of feathers you are just a weirdo and probably like spiders anyway so this blog is not relevant to you.)

Now these creatures can move fast. They appear from nowhere and vanish just as fast and if you don’t see exactly where they went, you are in some serious trouble. So always be on the ready, on high alert and limbering up is an absolute must. Enjoying a cup of strong coffee on the comfy couch? Be ready because the serenity you feel could be destroyed at any moment. At any moment, one nanosecond further in time, life as you were just experiencing it will be over, replaced with a non-shakable need to kill and kill fast or die and die fast.

You must not only limber up before attempting the kill, it is also recommended that you remain limbered up at all times because at one point you are seated on your rotund butt (of which toning up is on your list of things to do) enjoying your coffee and the next thing you know you have glimpsed the devil creature and suddenly you are perched precariously on top of the couch. Often exactly how you got from the comfy seat to the back of the couch in one gravity defying leap is a mystery. Hence, if you stay limbered up at least your muscles won’t be sore from all the leaping.

The same goes for your shoe throwing arm. Those muscles will also get a workout, there’s no doubt about it. Especially if you own a lot of shoes and you have terrible aim.

Never ever take your eyes off your eight legged foe. Reach for shoes with one arm, one eye, one finger, whatever it takes, do not look away from the soul consuming demon that is attempting to cohabitate your home. They move like a rocket and their entire reason for existence is to kill you so you must kill them first. It’s kill or be killed.

In the event that shoe throwing is not successful, you should play ‘Warcraft’ as much as you can. Get used to using a gun and get used to living in a world of war. Watch every episode of ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ to draw strength from and remain inspired to fight your demons. If all else fails, join the army. This should get you the skills you need. And don’t be afraid to master the bazooka. This was the Mona Lisa’s choice of weapon, the included picture is unquestionable proof of this. These weapons are underrated when it comes to arachnid annihilation. The only downside to using the bazooka is the ensuing mess and mayhem may be a tad bit difficult to explain to the now wide awake man of the house.

Spiders are horrible. They make people scream in really high tones. They have no real use and they have no right to live in our homes, especially when they don’t contribute by paying the rates or weeding the garden. So just remember; it’s them or you so if you have to explain the gaping hole in the living room, you have done your part and you have lived to tell your tail. You are a survivor and no builders’ fee can take that away from you.

One spider down, several billion to go.

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